


Necessary

by komtess_ironie



Category: Rammstein
Genre: 1980s, Alternate Universe - Historical, F/M, Heartache, Historical, Not Actually Unrequited Feelings, POV changes because I am confused, Summer Love, West Germany, intense feelings, rating will change later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23771839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komtess_ironie/pseuds/komtess_ironie
Summary: Annelise came back home to spend the Summer with her family, forcing her to slow down her big city rhythm. Everything was so calm there. Until a family friend intensely catches her eye. Inspired by Goethe's "Die Leiden des jungen Werthers", with hints of Luca Guadagnino's "Call Me By Your Name" aswell, as so to say.
Relationships: Paul Landers/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 11





	Necessary

* * *

_It's true that nothing in this world makes us so necessary to others as the affection we have for them._

* * *

I

_Summer of 1987_

_At last, I came home to spend the Summer with my family. I had just finished my master's degree. Moving to Berlin had changed me into someone bigger, someone more aware. I came back home for the Summer, forcing me to slow down the big city rhythm. Everything was so calm there._

The house was two stories high, but all of the rooms and hallways were large, and as you entered it, you would be right in front of a mahogany stairway. It was near a lake, an ideal venue for swimming in that time of the year. Every year, the family hosted soirées for relatives and close friends, and invited some of them to stay.

My room was the same ever since I was a child. The decorations would change often whenever my tastes changed. And the room was on the top floor, so if one looked outside the window, an ample view would be ahead. As I unpacked my suitcases, I hear the sounds of a car and unknown voices coming from outside. I head to the window. A man comes out of the car, enthusiastically greeted by my parents. I have never seen this man. Curiosity leads me downstairs, and as my father sees me in the hallway, he proclaims:

\- Anni! There you are! I want you to meet a good friend of mine!

The man was named Paul, and apparently, he was a close friend of the family I had never heard of. Parents and this friend spent the whole remaining hours of the afternoon playing pool and cards. I, on the other side, chose to go for a swim and read a book by the lake; falling asleep under a tree until the sunset. Dinner was served at nine, so it gave me time to get ready and presentable for the meal.

The first week in the house was quite quiet, even though music was playing all the time. I always tended to be some sort of a loner myself, so I would escape to the lake often, as so to enjoy time alone and take naps under the trees. I would also take a small battery-powered radio with me.

Everyday, we all had every meal in the same table. Sometimes I played the cards with my father and Paul, so it’s natural that I got to know things about him and hear him. I was starting to think he was fairly attractive, even when he smoked his cigarettes while playing cards with us. As the days went by, I couldn’t tell you exactly why I was growing more and more fond of him; or why feelings were starting to develop inside me. His way of speaking was so eloquent, his words so dynamic, his voice so soft. He had a very open smile, and his eyes were perfect rounded almonds. Said eyes were probably grey-ish blue, I couldn't tell. Chocolate brown hair. A lot of grey hair was visible on a soft goatee on his chin; and wrinkles were around his eyes, so one could tell he would be in his late forties or early fifties. Shorter than most of the men I was used to meeting (much shorter than my father too); but taller than I. Often I went to bed late, and as I walked to my room I’d catch a glimpse of him in the living room leaned over a book, with glasses on. I never knew what books he was reading, but to be frank, I didn’t care to know either. Days would pass, and I'd continue on growing fond of him. This started arousing other kinds of feelings in me, aswell. At night, I'd fall asleep with the window open, feeling the summer breeze on my skin, and hearing the crickets outside. This sensation _reminded_ me of how observing Paul's smile made me feel. I'd imagine him, and sometimes, I would also touch myself at the faint thought of him touching me. Falling asleep felt so wonderful afterwards.

During the day, I tried not to make myself obvious; but most of the times, this was a big blunt failure. Yes, I'd laugh at his jokes, and agree to any topic of conversation he would have with my father. Seeing how much of a good friend he seemed made smile a lot too. Despite being so warm, he was yet so cold. So distant. He would never maintain an entire conversation with me. It was frustrating, in a way. If only he knew how much it hurt to look at him and knowing I just couldn't make _any_ move. My parents and him would go out recurrently in the afternoon, while most of those times, I wouldn't go.

One evening after dinner, I’d gone to the lake to watch the stars and just sit quietly. I loved the feel of my feet under water. Once again, the same light summer breeze, the same sound of the crickets. Eventually I come back inside, seeing Paul reading again, smoking a cigarette while doing so. His metal-framed glasses are so elegantly rested on his nose, a little bit lower than they should be. The smell of his cigarette makes me ache, so much, noticing also that there was something inherently so erotic about that little tube between his lips. The sensation of wanting to be close to him was wide. I've dreamt about him, making love to me in the empty house, where I could make as much noise as I wanted. A jolt of energy through my body. Something tight inside my chest. A knot in my throat. And I noticed he was wearing a wife beater and grey shorts only, because the night was almost as warm as the day had been. His legs crossed, sprawled over the coffee table. A splendid sight. 

I was closing the front door very slowly, just to make the moment last longer, but the sound of the door caught his attention. For a few seconds I am startled, knowing I had probably been caught looking at him. Right after noticing it was me, his gaze returned to the book in his hands.

\- Oh, it’s you.

\- Don’t tell my parents I sneaked out. I went to the lake.

\- I’m pretty sure it’s fine. You’re a grown woman, it’s not like it makes them worried.

I stood there, immovable. He looked so refined; it was even making me feel sick.

\- Why are you still there?

\- I- I’m sorry. I’m just not sleepy yet. Can I sit over there?

\- Sure.

His avoidant attitude, or so as I thought, made me want to reach out for him. Make him notice me, in a way. At least maintain a conversation with me. The room has three couches, and Paul sat by the window. I didn’t want to sit too close. I try to think of something to do, and before I can, I notice Paul closing his book and removing his glasses, placing both objects next to him.

\- What are you doing here exactly?

\- I just…I can’t sleep yet.

\- So why joining me?

\- I…don’t know. I felt like not being alone.

\- Alright. Do you want to go for a walk?

I simply nodded, knowing completely I made a fool of myself with that attitude. We went for a small walk around, walking through the road nearby. We didn't speak much. There was some form of tension, something I couldn't explain. In the moment I least expected it, he stops walking and breaks the silence.

\- Look, I've noticed you looking at me. It's not like I was born yesterday. I have noticed it, and I've looked at you too.

\- What are you talking about?

\- Don't say you don't understand. I know what it's like to be twenty-three. I just have to warn you, that can't really happen.

We walked back, said goodnight, and I locked myself in my room. In that night, a few tears rolled down my face, but not enough to soak my pillow. I was starting to develop some feelings for this man. Would it be always like this for the rest of the summer?

In the next day, and in the next days, I'd pretend nothing happened. I avoided interacting with him, but on the inside I ached and I burned. I ached to be close to him. In spite of his warning, I'd still touch myself thinking about him, in every alone moment I had. Had I finally gone crazy? Just like my usual routine, I was still spending a long time alone by the lake. It was about one kilometer far from the house. And I know he had heard my mother saying I was by the lake very often. We had gone swimming altogether one time, too. 

* * *

It was late in the afternoon one day, and I was sunbathing in my hiding place, where I knew I had the company of the trees only. An unsual sound of footsteps has me waking up from my sleep, getting dressed immediately. It was not much of a big use, since my dress was a little wet, which made it partly see-through. As I turn my head, I am caught by surprise by my own disbelief. I didn't expect him to be here, by any means.

\- Hello. - He greets casually.

\- H-hi.

\- What are you reading?

\- Goethe. What are you doing here? Nobody ever comes here when I'm alone.

\- Very introspective. I know. I came here to apologize. I was too harsh with you. I think I was trying to protect you.

_Protect me from what? The way my heart aches everytime he's near?_

\- Yes you were harsh, but that hasn't bothered me.

He sits down next to me. But not close: about a meter from me.

\- Why?

\- _Why_?

The time had come. I had to confess, it just couldn't be held any longer.

\- Because I have been...well, I have...I haven't been able to stop noticing you. I know we have met so little time ago...but it's so unattainable, so nothing bothers me anymore, I guess. - I look at the horizon, taking a deep breath.

\- Well, I had already guessed something like that. There's nothing wrong with it, but, there are some things you need to know about me-

As he spoke, the pace of his words slowed down, and he leaned slightly to my side. His hair seemed to become lighter as it reflected sunlight. His skin was a tad tanned, and in a way, it made the freckles on his arms more visible. Freckles like constellations.

_At least just let me trace the constellations on your skin. Or stroke your hand._

His face irradiated almost as much light as the sun itself. Oh, how that face _was_ both Spring and Summer itself. In this moment, Paul wasn't smiling, and his eyes never met mine, but there was something in his voice. His hand, resting on the green grass, moved a little closer, and my breathing sped up so rapidly, realizing where this hand was heading to. I had dreamed about that moment so many times. To be close to him. 

He came closer, and I could feel a faint smell of cigarettes and some kind of cologne that was surprisingly bearable. My entire body froze, despite this utter sensation of adrenaline. I was looking away, trying to concentrate on the ripples in the lake. But still, I could notice his hand coming closer to mine, and just like that, an index finger strokes the back of my own hand, and the touch was so soft. Almost unmanageable. For a couple of tiny fractions of seconds, our eyes would meet, only to deviate immediately again.

\- I think you don't need an explanation. - he spoke, softly. He leaned a little bit more and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. My soul trembled and ached all around it and through it. I had gone numb.

\- Why did you ignore me so much then, knowing I looked at you so many times?

\- You've been too obvious, that I know. I ignored you because I wanted to protect you. I guess I didn't know how to react to that, if you let me be frank.

\- But, uh, well-

\- Stop speaking. You don't need explanations. It only makes your life more complicate.

He came closer once more, placed one hand on one of my shoulders and kissed my lips swiftly. I was burning, and my impulses were begging to be released, so I kissed him back, opening my mouth to enjoy the texture of his wide lips. Paul doesn't protest; in fact; he mirrors my action, but all of a sudden, he breaks the kiss, exhaling audibly. 

\- This has to...be a secret. Or otherwise, this can't keep happening. - Paul rubs his temples, puts on his sunglasses and exhales again. - See you at dinner.

_To be continued._

**Author's Note:**

> Pardon me for writing a story set in 80s yet again. I like the time period, and it helps me develop my research skills. And pardon me for only including one character from the band. This is dedicated to the entirety of Paul girls' sisterhood. You are all fantastic.  
> The quote at the beginning is from Goethe's "Die Leiden des jungen Werthers".


End file.
